Cleaning up my computer
I found much more than I expected,
At the same time , much less than I expected.
“have you ever been so excited that you felt like you should jump out of your skin , have your silly bones run circles around your limp pile of skin
while singing a song of love ?
but for some reason all you did was smile ? ”
expectations dreams hopes
expectation |ˌekspekˈtā sh ən| |ˈɛkˈspɛkˌteɪʃən| |ɪkˈspɛkˌteɪʃən| |ɛkspɛkˌteɪʃ(ə)n|
a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future : reality had not lived up to expectations | an expectation that the government will provide the resources | he drilled his men in expectation of a Prussian advance.
• a belief that someone will or should achieve something : students had high expectations for their future.
hope |hōp| |hoʊp| |həʊp|
1 a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen : he looked through her belongings in the hope of coming across some information | I had high hopes of making the Olympic team.
• a person or thing that may help or save someone : their only hope is surgery.
• grounds for believing that something good may happen : he does see some hope for the future.
2 archaic a feeling of trust.
dream |drēm| |drim| |driːm|
a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep : I had a recurrent dream about falling from great heights.
• a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal : I fulfilled a childhood dream when I became champion | the girl of my dreams | [as adj. ] they’d found their dream home.
desire |dəˈzī(ə)r| |dəˌzaɪ(ə)r| |diˌzaɪ(ə)r| |dɪˌzʌɪə|
a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen : [with infinitive ] a desire to work in the dirt with your bare hands.
• strong sexual feeling or appetite : they were clinging together in fierce mutual desire.
verb [ trans. ]
strongly wish for or want (something) : he never achieved the status he so desired | [as adj. ] ( desired) it failed to create the desired effect.
• want (someone) sexually : there had been a time, years ago, when he had desired her.
• archaic express a wish to (someone); request or entreat.
love |ləv| |ləv| |lʌv|
1 an intense feeling of deep affection : babies fill parents with intense feelings of love | their love for their country.
• a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone : it was love at first sight | they were both in love with her | we were slowly falling in love.
• ( Love) a personified figure of love, often represented as Cupid.
• a great interest and pleasure in something : his love for football | we share a love of music.
• affectionate greetings conveyed to someone on one’s behalf.
• a formula for ending an affectionate letter : take care, lots of love, Judy.
2 a person or thing that one loves : she was the love of his life | their two great loves are tobacco and whiskey.
• Brit., informal a friendly form of address : it’s all right, love.
• ( a love) Brit., informal used to express affectionate approval for someone : don’t fret, there’s a love.
3 (in tennis, squash, and some other sports) a score of zero; nil : love fifteen | he was down two sets to love. [ORIGIN: apparently from the phrase play for love (i.e., the love of the game, not for money); folk etymology has connected the word with French l’oeuf ‘egg,’ from the resemblance in shape between an egg and a zero.]
verb [ trans. ]
feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone) : do you love me?
• like very much; find pleasure in : I’d love a cup of tea, thanks | I just love dancing | [as adj., in combination ] ( -loving) a fun-loving girl.
question |ˈkwes ch ən| |ˌkwɛstʃən| |ˌkwɛʃtʃən| |ˌkwɛstʃ(ə)n|
a sentence worded or expressed so as to elicit information : we hope this leaflet has been helpful in answering your questions.
• a doubt about the truth or validity of something : there is no question that America faces the threat of Balkanization.
• the raising of a doubt about or objection to something : Edward was the only one she obeyed without question | her loyalty is really beyond question.
• a matter forming the basis of a problem requiring resolution : we have kept an eye on the question of political authority.
• a matter or concern depending on or involving a specified condition or thing : it was not simply a question of age and hierarchy.
understanding |ˌəndərˈstandi ng | |ˈəndərˌstøndɪŋ| |ʌndəˌstandɪŋ|
the ability to understand something; comprehension : foreign visitors with little understanding of English.
• the power of abstract thought; intellect : a child of sufficient intelligence and understanding.
• an individual’s perception or judgment of a situation : my understanding was that he would try to find a new supplier.
• sympathetic awareness or tolerance : a problem that needs to be handled with understanding.
• an informal or unspoken agreement or arrangement : he and I have an understanding | he had only been allowed to come on the understanding that he would be on his best behavior.
sympathy |ˈsimpəθē| |ˌsɪmpəθi| |ˌsɪmpəθi|
noun ( pl. -thies)
1 feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune : they had great sympathy for the flood victims.
• ( one’s sympathies) formal expression of such feelings; condolences : all Tony’s friends joined in sending their sympathies to his widow Jean.
2 understanding between people; common feeling : the special sympathy between the two boys was obvious to all.
• ( sympathies) support in the form of shared feelings or opinions : his sympathies lay with his constituents.
• agreement with or approval of an opinion or aim; a favorable attitude : I have some sympathy for this view.
• ( in sympathy) relating harmoniously to something else; in keeping : repairs had to be in sympathy with the original structure.
• the state or fact of responding in a way similar or corresponding to an action elsewhere : the magnetic field oscillates in sympathy.
passion |ˈpa sh ən| |ˌpøʃən| |ˌpaʃ(ə)n|
1 strong and barely controllable emotion : a man of impetuous passion. See note at emotion .
• a state or outburst of such emotion : oratory in which he gradually works himself up into a passion.
• intense sexual love : their all-consuming passion for each other | she nurses a passion for Thomas.
• an intense desire or enthusiasm for something : the English have a passion for gardens.
• a thing arousing enthusiasm : modern furniture is a particular passion of Bill’s.
2 ( the Passion) the suffering and death of Jesus : meditations on the Passion of Christ.
• a narrative of this from any of the Gospels.
• a musical setting of any of these narratives : an aria from Bach’s St. Matthew Passion.
compassion |kəmˈpa sh ən| |kəmˌpøʃən| |kəmˌpaʃ(ə)n|
sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others : the victims should be treated with compassion. See note at mercy .
ORIGIN Middle English : via Old French from ecclesiastical Latin compassio(n-), from compati ‘suffer with.’
sad |sad| |sød| |sad|
adjective ( sadder |sødər|, saddest |sødəst|)
1 feeling or showing sorrow; unhappy : I was sad and subdued | they looked at her with sad, anxious faces.
• causing or characterized by sorrow or regret; unfortunate and regrettable : he told her the sad story of his life | a sad day for us all.
2 informal pathetically inadequate or unfashionable : somebody’s priorities are pretty sad.
3 (of dough) heavy through having failed to rise.
grow |grō| |groʊ| |grəʊ|
verb ( past grew |groō| |gru| |gruː|; past part. grown |grōn| |groʊn| |grəʊn|) [ intrans. ]
1 (of a living thing) undergo natural development by increasing in size and changing physically; progress to maturity : he would watch Nick grow to manhood | [as adj. ] ( growing) the linguistic skills acquired by the growing child | [as adj. ] ( grown) the stupidity of grown men hitting a ball with a stick.
• (of a plant) germinate and develop : seaweed grows in the ocean.
• [ trans. ] produce by cultivation : more and more land was needed to grow crops for export.
• [ trans. ] allow or cause (a part of the body) to grow or develop : [ trans. ] she grew her hair long.
• (of something abstract) come into existence and develop : the Vietnamese diaspora grew out of their national tragedy.
2 become larger or greater over a period of time; increase : turnover grew to more than $100,000 within three years | [as adj. ] ( growing) a growing number of people are coming to realize this.
• [ trans. ] cause (something, esp. a business) to expand or increase. See usage below.
3 [with complement ] become gradually or increasingly : sharing our experiences, we grew braver.
• [with infinitive ] (of a person) come to feel or know something over time : she grew to like the friendly, quiet people at the farm.
• ( grow apart) (of two or more people) become gradually estranged.
future |ˈfyoō ch ər| |ˌfjutʃər| |ˌfjuːtʃə|
1 (usu. the future) the time or a period of time following the moment of speaking or writing; time regarded as still to come : we plan on getting married in the near future | work on the building will be halted for the foreseeable future.
• events that will or are likely to happen in the time to come : nobody can predict the future.
• used to refer to what will happen to someone or something in the time to come : a blueprint for the future of American fast food.
• a prospect of success or happiness : he’d decided that there was no future in the gang | I began to believe I might have a future as an artist.
• Grammar a tense of verbs expressing events that have not yet happened.
2 ( futures) Finance short for futures contract .
past |past| |pøst| |pɑːst|
gone by in time and no longer existing : the danger is now past.
• [ attrib. ] belonging to a former time : they made a study of the reasons why past attempts had failed | he is a past chairman of the society.
• [ attrib. ] (of a specified period of time) occurring before and leading up to the time of speaking or writing : the band has changed over the past twelve months.
• Grammar (of a tense) expressing an action that has happened or a state that previously existed.
regret |riˈgret| |rəˌgrɛt| |riˌgrɛt| |rɪˌgrɛt|
verb ( -gretted |rəˌgrɛdəd| |riˌgrɛdəd|, -gretting |rəˌgrɛdɪŋ| |riˌgrɛdɪŋ|) [ trans. ]
feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, esp. a loss or missed opportunity) : she immediately regretted her words | [with clause ] I regretted that he did not see you.
• used in polite formulas to express apology for or sadness over something unfortunate or unpleasant : any inconvenience to readers is regretted | [with clause ] we regret that no tickets may be exchanged.
• archaic feel sorrow for the loss or absence of (something pleasant) : my home, when shall I cease to regret you!
guilt |gilt| |gɪlt| |gɪlt|
the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime : it is the duty of the prosecution to prove the prisoner’s guilt.
• a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation : he remembered with sudden guilt the letter from his mother that he had not yet read.
verb [ trans. ] informal
make (someone) feel guilty, especially in order to induce them to do something : Celeste had been guilted into going by her parents.
guilt by association guilt ascribed to someone not because of any evidence but because of their association with an offender.
ORIGIN Old English gylt, of unknown origin.
sorrow |ˈsärō| |ˌsɔroʊ| |ˌsɑroʊ| |ˌsɒrəʊ|
a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others : he understood the sorrow and discontent underlying his brother’s sigh.
• an event or circumstance that causes such a feeling : it was a great sorrow to her when they separated.
• the outward expression of grief; lamentation.
verb [ intrans. ]
feel or display deep distress : [as adj. ] ( sorrowing) the sorrowing widower found it hard to relate to his sons. See note at mourn .
ORIGIN Old English sorh, sorg (noun), sorgian (verb), of Germanic origin; related to Dutch zorg and German Sorge.
hurt |hərt| |hərt| |həːt|
verb ( past and past part. hurt |hərt|) [ trans. ]
cause physical pain or injury to : Ow! You’re hurting me! | [ intrans. ] does acupuncture hurt?
• [ intrans. ] (of a part of the body) suffer pain : my back hurts.
• cause mental pain or distress to (a person or their feelings) : she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
• [ intrans. ] (of a person) feel mental pain or distress : he was hurting badly, but he smiled through his tears.
• be detrimental to : high interest rates are hurting the local economy.
• [ intrans. ] ( hurt for) informal have a pressing need for : Frank wasn’t hurting for money.
do 1 |doō| |doʊ| |du| |duː|
verb ( does |dəz| |dəz| |dʌz|; past did |did| |dɪd| |dɪd|; past part. done |dən| |dən| |dʌn|)
1 [ trans. ] perform (an action, the precise nature of which is often unspecified) : something must be done about the city’s traffic | she knew what she was doing | what can I do for you? | Brian was making eyes at the girl, and had been doing so for most of the hearing.
• perform (a particular task) : Dad always did the cooking on Sundays.
• work on (something) to bring it to completion or to a required state : it takes them longer to do their hair than me | she’s the secretary and does the publicity.
• make or have available and provide : he’s doing bistro food | many hotels don’t do single rooms at all | [with two objs. ] he decided to do her a favor.
• solve; work out : Joe was doing sums aloud.
• cook (food) to completion or to a specified degree : if a knife inserted into the center comes out clean, then your pie is done.
• (often in questions) work at for a living : what does she do?
• produce or give a performance of (a particular play, opera, etc.) : the Royal Shakespeare Company is doing Macbeth next month.
• perform (a particular role, song, etc.) or imitate (a particular person) in order to entertain people : he not only does Schwarzenegger and Groucho, he becomes them.
• informal take (a narcotic drug) : he doesn’t smoke, drink, or do drugs.
• attend to (someone) : the barber said he’d do me next.
• vulgar slang have sexual intercourse with.
• ( do it) informal have sexual intercourse.
• ( do it) informal urinate; defecate.
2 [ trans. ] achieve or complete, in particular
• travel (a specified distance) : one car I looked at had done 112,000 miles.
• travel at (a specified speed) : I was speeding, doing seventy-five.
• make (a particular journey) : last time I did New York–Philadelphia round trip by train it was over 80 bucks.
• achieve (a specified sales figure) : our best-selling album did about a million worldwide.
• [ trans. ] informal visit as a tourist, esp. in a superficial or hurried way : the tourists are allotted only a day to “do” Verona.
• spend (a specified period of time), typically in prison or in a particular occupation : he did five years for manslaughter.
• [ intrans. ] informal finish : you must sit there and wait till I’m done | [with present participle ] we’re done arguing.
• ( be done) be over : the special formula continues to beautify your tan when the day is done.
• ( be/have done with) give up concern for: have finished with : I would sell the place and have done with it | Steve was not done with her.
3 [ intrans. ] act or behave in a specified way : they are free to do as they please | you did well to bring her back.
• make progress or perform in a specified way; get on : when a team is doing badly, it’s not easy for a new player to settle in | Mrs. Walters, how’re you doing?
• [ trans. ] have a specified effect on : the walk will do me good.
• [ trans. ] result in : the years of stagnation did a lot of harm to the younger generation.
4 [ intrans. ] be suitable or acceptable : if he’s anything like you, he’ll do | [ trans. ] a couple of bucks’ll do me.
5 [ trans. ] informal beat up; kill : he was the guy who did Maranzano.
• (usu. be done) ruin : once you falter, you’re done.
• rob (a place) : this would be an easy place to do, and there was plenty of money lying around.
• Brit. swindle : in business you had to do your competitors before they did you.
6 [ trans. ] (usu. be/get done for) Brit., informal prosecute; convict : we got done for conspiracy to commit murder.
try |trī| |traɪ| |trʌɪ|
verb ( tries, tried)
1 [ intrans. ] make an attempt or effort to do something : [with infinitive ] he tried to regain his breath | I started to try and untangle the mystery | I decided to try writing fiction | none of them tried very hard | [ trans. ] three times he tried the maneuver and three times he failed.
• ( try for) attempt to achieve or attain : they decided to try for another baby.
• [ trans. ] use, test, or do (something new or different) in order to see if it is suitable, effective, or pleasant : everyone wanted to know if I’d tried jellied eel | these methods are tried and tested.
• ( try out for) compete or audition in order to join (a team) or be given (a position) : she tried out for the team.
• [ trans. ] go to (a place) or attempt to contact (someone), typically in order to obtain something : I’ve tried the apartment, but the number is busy.
• [ trans. ] push or pull (a door or window) to determine whether it is locked : I tried the doors, but they were locked.
• [ trans. ] make severe demands on (a person or a quality, typically patience) : Mary tried everyone’s patience to the limit.
2 [ trans. ] (usu. be tried) subject (someone) to trial : he was arrested and tried for the murder.
• investigate and decide (a case or issue) in a formal trial : the most serious criminal cases must be tried by a jury.
3 [ trans. ] chiefly Brit. smooth (roughly planed wood) with a plane to give an accurately flat surface.
4 [ trans. ] extract (oil or fat) by heating : some of the fat may be tried out and used.
change | ch ānj| |tʃeɪndʒ| |tʃeɪn(d)ʒ|
1 make or become different : [ trans. ] a proposal to change the law | [ intrans. ] a Virginia creeper just beginning to change from green to gold.
• make or become a different substance entirely; transform : [ trans. ] filters change the ammonia into nitrate [ intrans. ] | computer graphics can show cars changing into cheetahs.
• [ intrans. ] alter in terms of : the ferns began to change shape.
• [ intrans. ] (of traffic lights) move from one color of signal to another.
• (of a boy’s voice) become deeper with the onset of puberty.
• [ intrans. ] (of the moon) arrive at a fresh phase; become new.
2 [ trans. ] take or use another instead of : she decided to change her name.
• move from one to another : she changed jobs incessantly | change sides.
• exchange; trade : the sun and moon changed places.
• [ intrans. ] move to a different train, airplane, or subway line.
• give up (something) in exchange for something else : we changed the shades for vertical blinds.
• remove (something dirty or faulty) and replace it with another of the same kind : change a light bulb.
• put a clean diaper on (a baby or young child).
• engage a different gear in a motor vehicle : [ trans. ] wait for a gap and then change gears | figurative with business concluded, the convention changes gear and a gigantic circus takes over the town.
• exchange (a sum of money) for the same amount in smaller denominations or in coins, or for different currency.
• [ intrans. ] put different clothes on : he changed for dinner.
poem from November 8th
“standing in a field
in front of a million armed men
waiting for an arrow to pierce my chest
I have no where to run
no where to hide
I feel like my heart is in a box that is being crushed
even though she sees its color
she needs something soft to sit on”
journal entry from november 2nd
I fell in love so fast
I can say it was the second i saw you
i can say it was the first time i talked to you
the first time i saw you smile
i want to write something that will make me feel great
I thought i had to be angry at someone . myself !
there are tons of things I was upset at myself for, but the past is the past.
I’m not tearing those pages out , I’m learning form them .
scott was saying last night that this girl was talking about how she tears out shitty drawings in her sketch book .
she felt that the shitty ones made her good ones look that much worse .
he thought of it like life, the shitty days … you cant just tear them out , you need to keep them in there
so when you look back you don’t forget them , and i totally agree,
every bad day that I’ve had , I’m looking back on them and seeing the mistakes that were made,
and I’m writing them down ,
I don’t have all the answers of how to fix everything , nor do i think i will ever have all the answers ,
no one can and no one will ,
but I’m seeing the patterns in my behavior ,
paying attention to details i never even saw before
I’m listening , and I’m understanding so so much
and in order to solve something you must first understand it , right ?
there will always be those moments when we don’t know what to do,
in those moments we can just look to those we love for support , to hold us up when were down ,
when i draw, its usually the ones i hate that i grow to love the most .
all those drawings i got frustrated at because i couldn’t draw her perfect are now the ones i hold closet to my heart.
the ones i scribble make the most sense
these days are ones that i already hold close ,
i don’t drink because i remember that day when i almost died
and this is the same ,
i remember that day when i felt like i could died
and I’m not going to let myself feel that anymore .
I’m looking forward to tomorrow ,
after one day i thought i had it figured out
I don’t ,
but i have an understanding of a lot of things i never knew
even that feeling that makes my stomach curl
i know what that feeling is .
in its pain i find comfort
I haven’t forgotten anything
and I am now being who i want to be.
i feel a love i cant describe
a loss i cant describe
a calm i cant describe
“It’s crazy for me to read some of this
the feeling it makes inside me is something I can’t even come close to describe.”
to be truly happy , fully fulfilled will be the day when i can show you ,
when i can earn that love that i wish so badly to show ,
again like those drawings that half way through i want to quit that end up so beautiful when they are done.